we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
