Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
