Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
