i permit you to call me
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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