When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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