Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Someone signed my nipple.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
