I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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