This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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