I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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