do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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