I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
