Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
