dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
