i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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