you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
