my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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