i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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