I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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