hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
