so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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