3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
