ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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