Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
