So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize
