Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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