so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
