I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
