Jerry, you need to find god
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
