I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
