Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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