Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
