Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
