I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
