I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
