I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
