there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
