I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
