3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Randomize
