The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
