i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
