You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wish you could order shots online.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
