i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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