1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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