My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
