You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
