True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
