just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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