Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
