She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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