my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Randomize
