He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
