I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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