This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I had to cum in my sink.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
